If only worry translated into the weight of our love. It doesn’t. Only action can do that.

I worry. Normally it sits at a low, easily dismissible hum, but right now I feel worried about everyone. My family, my parents, my clients, my friends in healthcare, my friends outside of healthcare, the strangers out there working to save people, my garbagemen, and the man who works at my nearest Walgreens whose kindness and warmth are a force for good in this world. This is not an exhaustive list. I could go on for hours. I know because I have gone on for hours during these painful, uncertain, and frightening times. It's like a program running in the background. Given my line of work, I have a whole host of strategies I use to manage anxiety and worry. Don’t get me wrong, they are tremendously helpful, but the biggest thing is that the activity of worrying misses the point entirely. The concern gnaws at me but accomplishes nothing. All my worries these days boil down to one question: Will everyone be okay?

I don’t think I am alone in this. In worrying, our love gets lost in translation. We become more distracted and preoccupied and less connected to what we care about most. Worry is so often just the gift of love wrapped in anxiety.

So, what reveals the love that sits just underneath the worry? It’s action. What could that look like for you?

Check on each other (virtually). There are people out there who are very isolated right now. Talking to people and being able to see them, even through a computer screen, approximates actual contact as closely as possible.
Express appreciation where you can. Direct expressions of appreciation benefit our relationships and our wellbeing. My best friend is taking care of her grandparents, bringing them supplies while social distancing and reminding them of the latest guidelines for managing COVID-19. This is a brave and loving act and I told her exactly that. It is an honor to know her, and expressing this directly is so important. If you know someone on the front lines of this battle, share your admiration for their work. They are scared and tired and they are still coming in and doing their jobs. They are real-life superheroes.

Work your sphere of influence:

Most of us are not involved in decision-making at the policy level for COVID-19. That said, there are still ways we can have an impact. We all know at least one person who has had to close up shop or stop working because their work is face-to-face and not in the “essential” category. Their businesses are hurting. If you have the resources, pay for the services you love in advance. For me, the person who immediately came to mind was my hairstylist. I have thick hair many other stylists have called ‘difficult.’ She sees its beauty and takes great care of it. She has improved my life. Supporting her business during this time is a tangible action I can take to help during this time. If you have the means, tip generously during this time. For a list of other activities like volunteering to deliver meals, donating to food banks, and supporting nonprofits as well as information on how to get involved, go to: https://californiavolunteers.ca.gov/get-involved/covid-19/. For volunteer centers near you here in California, go to: https://californiavolunteers.ca.gov/get-involved/volunteer-centers/ .

Do something that is new and enriching for you. You could learn a skill or hobby, like learning to paint, knit, or engage in a new form of exercise (for example, trying yoga if you typically lift weights). The idea here is to try an activity that will require your attention and take you off autopilot. You could also learn about something new. Podcasts are a great way to do this. I love behavioral economics and organizational psychology. I have been enjoying listening to podcasts like Freakonmics, Choiceology, and Work Life.
Show patience and understanding. We are all being asked to stretch in ways that are incredibly challenging for us. If you are lucky enough to be able to work from home and have children, you somehow need to handle the childcare and work simultaneously. Our small children may be tantruming more because of the disruption to their schedule. Our older children may be anxious and disappointed due to almost everything they enjoy being cancelled, lack of being able to socialize with friends. Our partners may be irritable from being cooped up. Make a conscious effort to offer emotional support.
Be kind to yourself. The worry and stress caused by COVID-19 will, at the very least, result in depleted emotional resources. At the same time, many of the activities we use to restore ourselves are restricted or even eliminated right now. It’s no surprise that most of us have a felt sense of being less patient and more prickly these days. If your irritability gets in the driver’s seat, forgive yourself and do a second take. Say things like, “I’m sorry. I heard my irritation on the playback. Let me try that again.”
Focus on what matters. In these distressing and demanding times, if you can maintain some semblance of a daily routine, you are already doing an excellent job. Let that not only be enough, notice and celebrate it for the accomplishment that it is.

Image credit: Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Image: https://www.pexels.com/photo/not-today-covid19-sign-on-wooden-stool-3952231/

Nehjla Mashal, PhD

This post also appears on https://www.pacificanxietygroup.com/blog. _____________________________________________________________________

References/Resources:

Aknin, L. B., Dunn, E., Sandstrom, G., & Norton, M. I. (2013). Does social connection turn good deeds into good feelings? On the value of putting the 'social' in prosocial spending. International Journal of Happiness and Development.

Dimidjian, S., Barrera Jr, M., Martell, C., Muñoz, R. F., & Lewinsohn, P. M. (2011). The origins and current status of behavioral activation treatments for depression. Annual review of clinical psychology, 7, 1-38.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. Harmony.

Hayes, S. C. (2005). Get out of your mind and into your life: The new acceptance and commitment therapy. New Harbinger Publications.

Jenkinson, C. E., Dickens, A. P., Jones, K., Thompson-Coon, J., Taylor, R. S., Rogers, M., ... & Richards, S. H. (2013). Is volunteering a public health intervention? A systematic review and meta-analysis of the health and survival of volunteers. BMC public health, 13(1), 773.

Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets. Guilford Publications.

Vohs, K. D., & Ciarocco, N. J. (2004). Interpersonal functioning requires self-regulation. Handbook of self-regulation, 392-410.

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